Feelings

One thing I don't understand about people is how they can dislike so much about what they enjoy. 

For instance, 

I had a friend yesterday talk about climbing trees... But hated the sap and such about it. That's what makes climbing a tree different from rocks guys. The sap, the branches that hang in disarray, the peeling bark, the little nooks and knotholes... It's what makes a tree just that, a tree.

I personally enjoy the sap. I'm not all too fond of being so sticky, but at the same time... The sap has the sweet scent of the tree and is kind of like a badge, and hey, maybe I do kind of like that sticky feeling, if only a little bit. 

Failure

My life and work is a failure.

I've never really been able to do anything great. Hell, I would've settled for mediocre. I can't finish a book, though I can start a million of them. I have all the ideas but none of the drive. I can't do the one year bike trip. I'm pretty resigned to that now. 

I stayed out really late one night. Just sitting on a bench outside in the cold. I just sat there for over an hour because it was too cold to bike home in my opinion. I knew it would warm up. And my parents were upset for some reason or another. I was really close to having an anxiety attack. So I just sat there. 

Eventually I went in to the SA right across the street. They were open. I sat in there for another couple hours. Had a good discussion with the night clerk. He was nice. 

All this time though, I couldn't help but wonder if this is how I'd handle the cold on the road. It's going to get even colder than this. Not as cold as it will be in Minnesota, but close. 

My life is a mess and I can't even escape.

Defeated once again

There's nothing worse than being really hyped up about something only to find it isn't what you truly wanted. I'm tired of working a Arby's. not because I don't like fast food, but because for me it is dead end. I could train and be a shift manager but surprisingly enough, I'm not a people person...

The more I do, the more I know what I dislike. Being on register? Hate it. Handling money? Makes me uncomfortable. Assembling sandwiches... That I can do. Morning prep? If you took away the morning part and the drama part I would say yes to it. I don't mind sitting on a slicer and making fluffy meat portions. I don't mind making salads. I don't even mind washing dishes.

People?

That's the question.

It concerns me for my trip as well. There is no place that I know of in the USA where one can just not have to rely on other people for anything. I want to either personally know a person, or just not know them. I like people as individuals. I hate people as the amorphous blob that is society. They're two different things, believe me.

Biphasic Sleep and Life Update

Things have been pretty difficult lately, I'm not very good at this mental stability thing. I tend not to take the best care of myself, etc. so these past few days have been... Rough.

I frequently have breakdowns and today I broke down as I was frying some Arby's chips and was all behind in prep and our lettuce was bad and I had to do extra meats and yeah. Of course, it wasn't just that, it was a build up from like the past week or two of everything that's gone wrong. Sometimes you need a release.

As for my biphasic sleep, it's really difficult to get used to. I heard, however, that I might be doing my nap too early, and that might be part of my problem. Apparently the nap phase, usually about an hour and a half, is only supposed to give a boost of 4-6 hours. I've been making it last like 8.

So tomorrow I think I'll try maybe 6 or 8 if I can. It's hard to try and delegate naps when you're spending the day with somebody else though.

I'll be seeing Iron Man 3 tomorrow :)